Cool Explorations

You can expect an honest testimony of the trails I have been through and how God has brought me through it all. A motivational speech on how powerful testimonies and life stories are to the Christian faith and to bringing hope and encouragement to people's lives.

My life began into a strained non-Christian relationship, in Agassiz, BC. My mom was already struggling with mental illness, at a time when no one recognized or accepted it. My dad would often come home to us crying as we had not been fed, or really taken care of properly all day. At 6 months of age, he took my brother and I and left, divorcing my mother, who at the time did not even fight it. She was supposed to have us every second weekend, but often did not show up, too involved in a revolving door of men. We would often blame my dad for her not showing up and get angry, hiding our sorrow, striking out at those who did not deserve it, and he would just take our anger. When I was four my dad started seeing, Mandy, the woman who has been an amazing mother to us, even though at times it was extremely tense as a step-mother. A blessing God brought into our lives. My dad met her at a local church in Harrison, BC. And lucky for me, became a Christian, leading me to Christ at the age of 5. When they married it was a day of mixed emotions, happy to see my dad happy, but angry that it was not my mother he was with.
It was around this time I was molested for the first time, an experience my brain has tried to block out, but it comes back in flashes that stop me in my tracks, nightmares that wake me up with anxiety. I was molested by a teenage foster child of a member of our church, whom we stabled a horse with at their farm. I can still remember how helpless and afraid I felt at this time, feeling alone. Knowing it was wrong, but unable to stop it. I will not get into details as they are far too graphic. Telling my parents, I omitted the severity of it out of shame, feeling it was my fault. A social workers meeting was done in the farmhouse, preventing the teenager from being around me. I received no counselling and it was something we never discussed again. At that particular time there was too much stigma and shame attached to such things.
I was molested again at the again of 7 by one of my mother’s boyfriends. This was not as bad as the first time, but still left a scarring impression on my brain. It was these 2 events that began years of sexual confusion. I would think and do things that no child that young should be knowledgeable of. Masturbation, sexual harm, self-harm, depression, suicide attempts, anger, OCD, PTSD, and later pornography, would be regular parts of my life. Struggling to cope and understand what had happened on my own, a young brain unable to do such. I remember many times, even occasionally to this day, where I would think, take this knife and end it, drown yourself, step in front of that vehicle, throw yourself off that ledge. Thankfully counselling, medication, and God’s amazing love has preventing this from ever happening.
When I was 7, we moved to Swift Current, the start of a chain of several schools and cities over the course of a few years. It was difficult to make friends during this time. I would make many friends, but I never let anyone really get to know me. I realize now it was a combination of having been moved around and my being molested, my brain just feared having anyone get too close. When we moved back to Rhineland, I was blessed with being able to remain for many years.
Throughout this time my mother would have us travel to BC to see her a month of the year. My dad would pay for flights, or bussing to get us there, despite not having much money, wanting us to have a relationship with our mother. These times were difficult ones. We would be excited to see her, but she seemed lost in her own world. She would lie and insult my father constantly, trying to alienate our minds against him. Bringing in social services to try to have us removed from my dad, trying to convince our impressionable brains to come to live with her. I never considered it, but I know it played harder on my brother.
Growing up I buried my struggles in writing, something I still find to be a healthy release, another gift from God. I would read my Bible regularly, trying to draw closer to God, and gain understanding. I was baptized as a young teenager and this was a spiritual high in my life, but the devil really narrowed in on my weaknesses at this point. Swearing and sexual sin were my vices of choice. Depression and suicidal thoughts were pressing in all around me, drowning me, forcing me to get good at trying to hide my emotions from others, pushing people further away. Always keeping everyone at arms length.
A big blessing came at this point in my life, I started drawing closer to Karen. Being in a relationship was a struggle as due to the past events, I do not like being touched.
When I moved down to Frontier after graduation, things got really bad in life. I had always struggled with health conditions, bad knees prevented competitive sports that I loved, and acid reflux made eating unpleasant. Now I developed a heart condition, which made me dizzy, anxious, and caused my heart to race out of control, painfully. I was also angry at everything and everyone, miserable to be around, the only cure for this was writing, and calling or visiting Karen on weekends. She was my lifesaver in the ocean that was my emotional instability. When I was ready to kill myself, even having written several notes, she would talk me down, and settle my emotions. God was using her in ways she did not even realize. My state got so bad and I was so angry at my parents, that they ended up telling me I would have to move out. I had a God-moment at this point, writing a final suicide note, intent on going through with things this time. I was going to use a sharp knife to end my life, and as I knelt down to do so, I felt a strong grip take hold of my wrists and prevent me from using the knife. I fought it until my arms were shaking and went numb. The grip released me and I collapsed to the ground bawling. I heard a voice at this point that said, “What are you doing? I love you.” I believe that this was God and His angels looking out for me, protecting me. At this point I decided to change, I took my parents recommendation and offer and went to Millar College of the Bible. A time I loved and cherished, growing in my walk with Christ. I also got engaged at this point.
In Millar I was mentored by a great young gentleman who listened to all my angry complaints. I was also blessed with being able to hang out and mentor the young son of an adult student at Millar. His parental situation was very similar to my own and I took him under my wing. We spent many an hour playing cribbage, hanging out, talking, and comforting him after his dad never showed to pick him up. I got him going to church as he would only go with me and took him out for ice cream or donuts on several occasions. After Bible school I was married to Karen and we moved to Saskatoon to study. There, I discovered that my study of youth care work, was going to be far too hard emotionally for me, considering my background. After a year there, we moved back home. God blesses us so many times, in ways we may have been blind to at the time.
I had my first heart procedure done while attending Millar and not wanting to leave school, only took a week or so off, then went right back to school, continuing my healing there. The procedure was very uncomfortable, and failed, resulting in the need for my second heart procedure shortly after getting married. This one was successful, but the recovery was far more miserable. I was plagued with my anxiety attacks, and the procedure left me with a rib condition that mimics a heart attack and leads to constant pain in my rib cage that feels like a bat being taken to my ribs. At times it is so excruciating that I cannot breathe, and collapse in pain, tears streaming down my face. I have struggled with doctors trying to find things that will resolve this issue, to no avail.
When we had both of our children, these were huge blessings in our life, something God has used to bring my life into focus. They are precious and make me laugh, even when suicide seemed an option, family removes this possibility. I have become so close to them now that I work less hours and can spend precious time with them.
The day I was released from my job was the best thing God could have done for me. It gave me the chance to face my issues and deal with my past. I went into counselling, started seeing a psychiatrist, and started on meds that were able to bring balance to my emotions. God then blessed me again with my job at Sasktel.
I have been able to continue to draw closer to my family and get control of my brain. My counsellor did a therapy session which brought all the memory fragments from my molestations into one single memory. Helping my mind to cope and heal. After not speaking to my mother for 6 years, God finally brought about healing and forgiveness to this piece of my childhood. He provided me with the means to make it to Vancouver to reunite with her and begin mending bridges that had been previously burned. Now we are working on building trust. She has apologized and is putting in a better effort at trying to stay in our lives. This is not saying all is well in my head, I still struggle daily with my emotional ups and downs, depression, and anxiety. But God has given me the tools to deal with it, and I have been delving further into His Word. Our amazing pastoral team has done more for me in their sermons than what they could ever know. I would love to personally thank them for this and thank my family for their understanding and support throughout my life.
Lately I have felt this urgent pressing need to share God’s Word with people online. To accomplish this, I have been using my Youtube channel, Cool Explorations, to share messages and devotions that have meant a lot to me, or speak to what is going on in the world around us. This has been very rewarding and I will be expanding to podcasts in addition to Youtube videos. God is calling me into ministry, which has been an incredible feeling and a true joy in my life. I have also begun a journey that has led my podcast into 35 countries, sharing people’s testimonies from all walks of life. These testimonies are powerful forms of encouragement to many people, myself included, and has brought me into connection with a much wider Christian community.
I want to leave you all with another passage that I think we could all benefit from. Philemon 1:7 “Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.”
Remember God is gracious, everything in life is for His glory. He will never abandon, always there no matter how dark things seem. The Love of God is unending, breathing life into the darkest of souls. He will carry you when you cannot seem to walk. Trust in Him. Thank You Lord for Your many blessings, and Your forgiveness. Help me to walk in a way that will glorify and honor You.

Just give me a microphone and let God guide me through my speech